Benchwarmers

Oh, those crazy judges are legislating from the bench again! That's what the anti-gay marriage folks will tell you. Legislating from the bench, dang-it all to heck. Actually, they're NOT legislating a damn thing, and that's what makes this such a big question mark.

For those of you living under a rock, the New Jersey Supreme Court (which, to my dismay, does not contain former members of The Supremes) ruled that gay couples are entitled to the same rights as (gasp!) heterosexual couples. In a nutshell, they said that gay couples should get the same rights and benefits as straight couples. And that's pretty much where they stopped, leaving it up to the legislature to figure out how to correct the inequity. What the legislature will do with this is not known. They could enact gay marriage (why do they call it GAY marriage? have we being going around referring to straight couples as having a STRAIGHT marriage?), which is not terribly likely, in my opinion. They could come up with some sort of civil union, in a separate-but-equal sort of way. While not ideal (being that it's kind of like saying, well, we don't really like you that much, but here's a nice party gift), at least it would give gay couples the same rights and benefits as straight married couples. "But what about that domestic partnership law they have," you may be asking to yourself or no one in particular, "isn't that enough?" No, my dear and gentle reader, it is not, and I'll tell you why.

Domestic Partnership Laws are what Democrats use to keep the gay people voting for them. They are better than nothing, but not too much better. "Little Timmy has the ability, but refuses to apply himself," a teacher might say. Of course by Little Timmy I mean Big Timmy Governor, Big Timmy State Senator, etc. And we are happy to have Big Timmy, because in general, at least he doesn't want to beat us up like Big Fartface Republicans who want to ban gay marriage, and if they thought they could do it, ban gay people too. So yeah, it's better than nothing. Allow me to elaborate. Brooke and I signed up for Maine's Domestic Partnership Registry. In doing so, we got to send the state $35. In return, if I am in the hospital, Brooke can come visit me. If the doctor accidentally leaves a leafblower in my abdominal cavity and I die, Brooke will get my life insurance, etc. So the moral of the story is, (a) beware of doctors weilding leafblowers, and (b) domestic partner benefits only really apply if you are maimed or dead. Isn't that nice?

So, why do we want these rights again? Anti-gay activists might tell you that all the gay people are rich and want to harm your children. I'm still waiting for that Big Gay Check to come in the mail. As for the children, I don't want to harm them, I just want them to be able to spell (EZ Mac? CheeZ doodles? What the hell?).
What are some of the things that gays want? You know, the things that happen automatically when a straight couple gets married...

1. When a straight couple gets married, they pay their $35 or whatever to get their marriage license. Let's eat cake! With that $35, the blushing bride can change her last name if she wants. They also get a host of inheritance rights, blah blah blah. We had to pay a lawyer $600 to draw up a rock-solid will and other paperwork that essentially will get us those benefits. Well, except for the name change. That'd be probably another $600 if we wanted to do that. So, straight couple: $35. Gay couple: $1200. Yeah, that seems about right.

2a. Heath insurance. I'm lucky to work for a place that offers domestic partners health benefits. Yay! Let's eat some more cake! However, there are some things that my straight married coworkers don't have to do. For one, they just say they're married and the employer takes their word for it. I have to sign paperwork promising that Brooke is not my sister. I have to sign it every year. I have to provide proof, if required, that we are domestic partners. Proof of joint housing, joint banking accounts, etc.

2b. Heath Insurance. Okay, so we've filled out our paperwork stating under penalty of death (hey, that Domestic Partnership benefit should kick in right about now!) that we are not sisters. Now I can have money deducted from my paycheck to have Brooke covered under my dental plan. Fancy! Oh, but there's one more thing... those deductions are TAXED. If we were married, they would not be taxed. So it's kind of like we're paying an extra Gay Tax. Doesn't that just warm the spikey cockles of your heart?

"What can I do about this, you big 'mo?" you might be asking yourself in your outdoor voice. Well, let me tell you. You can contact your representative and your senator. Also contact your local state representatives, as changes are likely to happen in state government. Let them know that this sucks ass (you may want to put that in your own words). Tell them Captain Crankypants sent you.