State of the Unicorn. I mean Union.

Well, yesterday I was too busy yammering on about my deceased fish that I forgot to post my Official Thoughts (tm) about Tuesday evening's State of the Union address. Unfortunately (or not), I fell asleep during the speech, so I can really only comment on about the first 30 minutes, which mostly consisted of the pomp and circumstance (what the hell does that mean, anyway) leading up to the speech.

I think more Americans would watch the State of the Union if it were treated like one of the many game shows. What's the game show with Howie "look ma, no hair!" Mandel and the briefcases? I think that members of congress should all be wearing little black dresses (yes, I mean you, Ted Kennedy!) and holding briefcases. The president would have to pick a member of congress, who would open their briefcase. The briefcase would contain a topic on which the president must speak for a minimum of 2 minutes. There would also be a special elimination round wherein he would actually have to explain his positions.

My other idea was to have everyone wear those wigs, like in British Parliament.

Anyway, back to the speech. I was pleased that Bush didn't sound like a big arrogant prick this time (well, at least before I fell alseep). However, I really wish he would have had to elaborate on things. For example, he said we're supposed to cut our gas consumption by 20% in the next 10 years. Um, yeah. First of all, 20 percent over 10 years isn't very ambitious. And second, how flipping convenient to put forth a 10 year goal, when he's in office for another 2 years. Brilliant. Also, how does he propose we cut consumption? Is he going to even suggest that people not buy ugly hulking SUVs and actually walk somewhere instead of driving? I'd like to see that.

Did anyone else notice Dick Cheney looking under the table on more than one occasion? What the hell was under there? I was concerned that he was hiding a gun down there, and that he would use it to shoot Nancy Pelosi in the face. It's his M.O., don't you know?

He is Gone, but he is Not Gone

Fabio Update:

Fabio is still dead (the fish... don't want to cause an internet ruckus by implying that Mr. "I can't believe it's not Botox" is dead).

The departure occured yesterday while I was out sick. My thoughtful coworker, who does not believe in flushing fish, presented me with an urn of sorts. Fabio is now a paperweight, sealed under some little colorful rocks. It's sweet and creepy, all at the same time.

The Big Fish Tank in the Sky

I am sad to say that my wonderfully handsome office fish, Fabio, has passed on to more blue waters. He was a delightful fish, and will be missed!

Photo Friday: M

M is for Maine


M is for Mackworth Island (in Maine)


And finally, M is for Mr. Creepy Chair (not in Maine)

I'll prove it like a theorem!

I know it is sad to be quoting an episode of "Friends" in my subject line. Don't worry, it's about to get weirder.

First, I will note that I am fully aware that what I am about to say reeks of being one mouse click away from crazy. Read on and you'll see why that sentence was funny.

As I've noted in the past, we've had a mouse visitor or two. I don't have anything personal against mice. I just want them out of my house. This provides a dilemma. As a vegetarian, I try to keep the animal killing to an absolute minimum. Now, if my cats kill the mouse, well, I can't be held responsible, as that's just nature taking its course.

Unfortunately, there seem to be some rather raucous mice that our cats haven't been able to exterminate. They've found their way into our suspended ceiling (we have a finished basement) and like to make a racket. So much so that we were certain there was a squirrel up there. Being the good doobie that I am, I put up a couple little Havahart traps... the little plastic ones where the mice get in, and then you go release them into the country. The problem is that we already are in the country, and I've got the distinct feeling (a theorem, if you will) that I'm releasing the same mice back into the woods outside our house. To prove my hypothesis (or dispute it, perhaps), I had to figure out a way to tell if I'm catching and releasing the same two mice.

My first idea was to spraypaint the mice. However, the headline "Local Woman Caught Spraypainting Mice; Local Authorities Puzzled" flashed before my eyes. Better keep that as a backup plan. Instead, we bought one of those little plastic gerbil cages and some wood shavings. Ah, you can see the crazy now, can't you, just over the horizon? The goal is to either (a) just catch two mice, or (b) catch more than two mice. Either way, we're taking them for a drive to the next town and dumping them in what I hope will be their new habitat.

You will note that the mice (only one is visible in the picture) have a very plush setup. Brooke was responsible for the water dish and the cardboard tube. I have explained to the little freeloaders that their stay here is limited, and they will NOT be pets. They are very cute, but I don't want their diseases, thankyouvery much.

Speaking of pets, our anxiety-ridden sweetheart, Lilah, is of course upset. She does not like precipitation. Or wind. Or any low-pressure system, really. You see, today, we are finally getting some snow here in Maine. Unimpressed by this return to normal weather, she has decided to ride this one out in the safety of the bathroom.

Photo Friday: L is for Late!

L is for Ladybug...



L is for Let's Go Bowling



L could also be for the Leftover Mouse Head that I found downstairs this morning. Yes, I found the severed head of a mouse, courtesey of one of our cats. Happy Friday! As a special favor to you, I opted not to take a picture.

Don't be a Jerk(y)

Well, this certainly changes everything!

Back in the days when I became a vegetarian, there were no veggie burgers. No Chick'N Tenders. No Veggie Crumbles. No BBQ "Riblets." No, my friends, we had to find our own damn protien. And we had to walk uphill both ways, of course.

Did you ever want to become a vegetarian, but just couldn't put down the Slim Jim (I suspect that there's not much actual meat in those things; I'm pretty sure they're pure asbestos and mercury), your time is now! The world has been blessed with Primal Strips, the vegan answer to Slim Jims. How long before they start showing up in the checkout aisle at your local convenience store?

2007: How you doin'?

Now is the time to look back, bleary-eyed, at the past year. Here is my year in review:

Stuff that Didn't Suck:
1.After years of procrastination, finally came out to the rest of my family in Texas. I kind of assumed they knew I was a big 'mo, but taking the final step eluded me for quite some time.
2.Brooke's mom's cancer was declared gone.
3.Got Married (in Canada, eh?).
4.Jumped out of a plane. On purpose!
5. Coworker going through divorce, moved in with us for a month. Brought 4 cute weiner dogs (though for her, I think this would be filed under "Did Suck"). Got to know her better.


Stuff that Pretty Well Sucked
1. Had nose surgery. Wasn't the magical solution I'd hoped.
2. Brooke's mom's cancer wasn't really gone.
3. Marriage only recognized in Canada. Desire to move to Canada: zero.
4. Favoritest coworker left. Who will listen to me bitch now?

My Favorite Christmas Present

Oh, sure, I could say "my health" or "family." But when you get this coffee for Christmas, how can you not be thankful?