Anna Nicole Smith Exclusive (or, Not Without My Uterus)

I just wanted to let you all know that I am the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby.
Sure, all these other fellows "had relations" with her, but if seemingly everyone else can throw their hats in the ring, why can't I? Just because my uterus has provided me with an exceptionally low sperm count, I don't see why I should be excluded from the hoopla.



Also, on a semi-related note, I would like to put forth my very own conspiracy theory regarding Anna Nicole Smith's death. I figured someone would bring this up by now, but apparently it is my responsibility to waste valuable minutes thinking about this. Why has no one asked whether or not her death was related to Trimspa? I read that Trimspa has stopped listing ingredients on its bottles, instead opting for something vague like "our exclusive x32 formula."
I did find a listing of the ingredients, as many "health supplement" sites post it. You'd think someone might be looking to see if some of the ingredients might be harmful in large doses, or perhaps interact badly with certain prescription medications. However, I find that if a phrase is prefaced by "You'd think that..." -- whatever follows is sure to not happen. For example, we have Transitions lenses for our glasses. You'd think that they'd come up with something similar for car windsheilds. Or, we've known that fossil fuels are in limited supplies. You'd think that we'd be driving poop-powered cars by now. Again, I am left to waste valuable minutes solving the world's problems with nary a thank-you. You'd think that I'd have a nobel prize in crankiness by now.