Farewell, Falwell

(I'm saving "Ding, Dong, the Witch is Dead" for the departure of Fred Phelps)

In honor of the recently departed, I have composed a short note to Mr. F:

Dear Jerry,

You were right. Gays caused the whole September 11 fiasco. Specifically, it was me. You see, I change the oil on our cars. Bin Laden got wind of this after a long day of misinterpreting the Qur'an once again (you can understand that, can't you, Jerry?). Not only did he want to cut off the American oil supply -- he wanted to make damn sure no queer was pumping synthetic oil into a truck (egads! a Ford!). You can understand that, can't you, Jerry?

When you were alive, I just couldn't bear to admit that you were right. But now that you're gone, the floodgates are going to open. For example, Katrina was also caused by gays. We got levee mixed up with dyke, and well, once we got started we just couldn't stop.

Bye bye!