The Higher the Heels, the Closer to God

Clearly I've been going about this the wrong way. I need to lose weight. Not like those skinny girls who say they need to lose weight, therefore making you want to punch them in their skinny little faces. No, I really do. My motivation for going to the gym is the thought that I might be able to fit into some of my old clothes. It'll be like I went shopping, but without the horror of having to actually go shopping. In a clothing store. With people. It would be great, I thought.
While reading the Sunday paper, I came upon this Nutri-Hoochie ad and realized the error in my thinking. Instead of thinking about my favorite old pair of pants, I should be trying to figure out what type of heel would look best with a string bikini. Now I see where I went wrong! Oh, sure, I'll talk a big game about how I hate women's clothes because they're poorly made and chock full of spandex, but it is now evident that I need to refocus. Perhaps I'll start off slowly, with a nice leotard and a pair of pumps.