Highway to Heaven

Clearly the world is about to come to a close, as I am in agreement with the Vatican that the world is full of bad drivers. As you may have heard, the big V has issued a new set of commandments, which apparently Moses has driven down the mountain in his hulking SUV. You see, these are no ordinary commandments, but rather, driving commandments. If you weren't plagued by enough Catholic guilt, here are 10 more things to keep you in line, straight from His mouth to your bluetooth headset.

For your reading pleasure, here are the new commandments. Snarky comments are in blue.

1. You shall not kill. If you say so.
2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm. Does that mean I get to eat little wafers while driving?
3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events. Maybe if people would sit upgright, the road would be safer. What is it with 20-something guys leaning way to the right when they drive? Do they think it makes them look cool? It makes them look like they have a horrible spinal defect. And also stupid.
4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents. What if my neighbor caused the accident, and what if I hate him?
5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin. Sorry America, you're going straight to hell.
6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so. Define "charitably." Does that preclude opening a can of whoop-ass?
7. Support the families of accident victims. Well, even I can't come up with a sarcastic comment for that.
8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness. Again, when would be the appropriate time for whoop-ass?
9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party. I think the more vulnerable party is Planet Earth. We're gonna have to to about a zillion Hail Marys for that one.
10. Feel responsible toward others. Only if they use their turn signal.