Happy Independence Day, America. Let's Get Nuts!

As a special present to our star-spangled nation, I am about to propose a sweeping change to our electoral process. I'm not sure exactly whom I should speak with regarding what I'm sure can only be a step forward in the democratic process. You see, my idea is sure to save millions of dollars AND provide wholesome (maybe) entertainment. Who would turn down such a gift?

Let's face it, no one really understands the Electoral College. You know someone agreed to it when they were high and were too embarrassed to admit their mistake, so they just went along with it. It's no secret that Americans are the biggest complainers, yet don't show up to the polls on election day.

However, we are really good at voting eight million times for our favorite contestant on Who Wants to Be A Big Star for The Next Few Days. I feel it is only natural that we completely abandon the presidential primaries, the electoral college, and the Straight Talk Express, or whatever the hell John McCain had.

What we need is a presidential reality show. Let's call it "The Big House." All the candidates will have to live together in a house, and each week one will be voted off the show. House neighbors would include Ann Coulter and Al Franken. There will be special challenges, like explaining immigration policy to third graders, milking cows, and boot camp day. Who wouldn't want to see Hilary Clinton climb a wall, or Mitt Romney move commando-style over unfavorable terrain? There would be special elimination round games, including Wheel of Impeachment and Name that Constitutional Amendment. Viewers could look forward to a special field trip wherein all the candidates would be dropped in the middle of nowhere, and must find their way back to civilization sans Blackberry or GPS. If they can't lead themselves out of the woods, how are they supposed to lead the nation?

You see, America, it is all so simple. It's not that we don't care about electing our president. It's just that we want to sit on our asses eating microwave Freedom Fries while we do it. And we want to be entertained, damn it!