Photo Friday: Red Alert

This week's Photo Friday theme is Red. I have one new picture for you, and because I am lazy, three old pictures.

New:



Old(er):

Highway to Heaven

Clearly the world is about to come to a close, as I am in agreement with the Vatican that the world is full of bad drivers. As you may have heard, the big V has issued a new set of commandments, which apparently Moses has driven down the mountain in his hulking SUV. You see, these are no ordinary commandments, but rather, driving commandments. If you weren't plagued by enough Catholic guilt, here are 10 more things to keep you in line, straight from His mouth to your bluetooth headset.

For your reading pleasure, here are the new commandments. Snarky comments are in blue.

1. You shall not kill. If you say so.
2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm. Does that mean I get to eat little wafers while driving?
3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events. Maybe if people would sit upgright, the road would be safer. What is it with 20-something guys leaning way to the right when they drive? Do they think it makes them look cool? It makes them look like they have a horrible spinal defect. And also stupid.
4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents. What if my neighbor caused the accident, and what if I hate him?
5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin. Sorry America, you're going straight to hell.
6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so. Define "charitably." Does that preclude opening a can of whoop-ass?
7. Support the families of accident victims. Well, even I can't come up with a sarcastic comment for that.
8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness. Again, when would be the appropriate time for whoop-ass?
9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party. I think the more vulnerable party is Planet Earth. We're gonna have to to about a zillion Hail Marys for that one.
10. Feel responsible toward others. Only if they use their turn signal.

Photo Friday: Foot Fetish

Technically this week's theme was "Sock it to Me," but I don't have any good sock shots. I was wearing socks in one of these photos, if that counts...

That Cow is Really Mad

I will drink hot coffee if it is one thousand degrees Calvin outside. The air conditioning in my truck is broken, which makes driving to work while drinking coffee really special on those nice hot days. However, I firmly believe that cold coffee is just wrong - I don't care if you call it "Iced," it's just the chilled spawn of Satan.

Today I found an exception to the rule. It is called the Mad Cow Milkshake, and consists of espresso and skim milk (I was doing pretty well until the coffee slinger asked if I wanted whipped cream -- to cancel out the skim milk, of course). Oh, sure, it has 8 bazillion calories, but like Lucky Charms, it is Magically Delicious.

It's All So Clear To Me Now

I have breaking news for you. George Orwell is not dead. He is alive, and apparently writing safety manuals for Holmes electronic products. That is the only explanation for the superb doublespeak propaganda that came with our new Holmes Window Fan.

See our window fan manual? Doesn't it look friendly and informative? Don't be fooled. Things are about to get nuts.
As an alert consumer filled with endless paranoia, I diligently read the Instructions and Important Safety Warnings contained in the manual. I was particularly interested in Safety Warning #17 (is it bad that a window fan comes with more than 17 Safety Warnings?):

Yes, you read that correctly. They have warned consumers that the Holmes Window fan should not be used in a window. I decided that I really must inquire about this.

Here's what I wanted to write:

Please help. I placed my Holmes Window fan in a window, unaware of the danger that awaited me. After turning the fan on, I sat in the gentle breeze and became panicked when I read that to reduce the risk of electric shock to my person, I should not put the Window Fan in the window. I immediately became disoriented but managed to run away from the fan. I am now hiding in my office, afraid that the fan will injure me. It has been 7 days and nothing has happened, but I am afraid to come within a 20 foot radius of the wind demon. Please send help.

Here's what I really wrote:

I recently purchased your Holmes HAWF3095 Window Fan. While reading the Owner's Guide, I was surprised to learn that you do not recommend placing the Window Fan in a Window. I am confused. Please advise.

I have yet to hear back, but can only imagine that the answer will be clear and concise.

Nasology

Today has been plagued with unfortunate, and in some cases, potentially OSHA-violating smells. There was a large-scale barbecue nearby today, and starting at 9 a.m., there were a few industrial-sized charcoal grills working their way through 2000 pieces of chicken (I got the official count when I called to complain about the smell). Oddly, it wasn't so much the smell of chicken that bothered me, but the fact that my office, a mere 30 feet from Barbecue Central, smelled as if it had been doused in lighter fluid.

At lunchtime the smell was really bad, so I decided to go for a walk and get some fresh air. As I walked by chicken char-char, I saw, much to my delight, that a truck was unloading fresh seafood! Another smell to envelop my space! A present from the sea. Hooray!

I just went to dump out some water in the bathroom, and was met with an unfortunate funk. It seems that the smell attack is not over. There's only an hour left until 5 pm. I think I will leave work early today.